"I know this may sound a little weird but I need your input on an issue. Earlier tonight, I had a major argument with my mother. Now, I don't profess to be extremely close to both my parents but I happen to be closer to my mum than my dad (like most kids are, I guess). The main issue starts with my air conditioner being down for a couple of months, but it's never been a high priority for me because I do pretty well without it despite the occasional mini heat waves and that I don't sleep with it on (the most I do is turn it on for a few hours a night to cool the room) as I fall ill extremely easily with it on (as opposed to being virtually illness-free when it's off). SO she keeps getting these guys to come down at the very last minute to have a look at the air conditoner (something like the person's coming down today and she tells me this morning) or on Saturdays, which happens to be my only day with my boyfriend, and having the timetable and schedule that I do, I tend to say no, which results in her getting my elder brother to stay in instead. Now she tells me that she thinks that she doesn't WANT to fix the airconditioner and feels like taking out 1 third of my window to fix a 2nd air conditioning unit that will jut out from well, the window. I then tell her that I don't like the idea and TRIES to tell her why and then she starts blaming me. Yes, BLAMING ME. I ended up telling her that if she likes doing things to my room without at least asking me, then I might as well just move out (yes, I know, I was pretty rash and hot-tempered then, I admit that). She blames me for not being around when the technicians come down (like I'm supposed to skip classes) and calls me arrogant (when she's the one who doesn't give a care in the world for my thoughts and feelings).

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. This is the woman whom I've always tried to please as a kid, I studied extremely hard to do well in school so I could show her a nice-looking report card at the end of the day just so I could get just ONE word of praise for her, but it never came. Whenever I got a B+, she would question why it wasn't an A. When I topped the class, she would demand that I top the school. I do think that it is partially due to her unreasonable demands that we've fallen out so badly tonight. But back to the issue, now she's telling me she wants to effectively put out a third of my window so she can fix a 2nd air conditioner (which I don't think is necessary). My problem with her (other than not really liking the idea) is that she never EVER asks me if I would like that done. It's always "I don't want to do this so I'm doing that to your room". I'm the one sleeping in the room and it is my opinion that she should at least ASK me if I'm receptive to the idea (and the reason why I'm so against it is because not only is it unnecessary and weird, she doesn't give me a choice as to what is to be done to MY ROOM. I know I'm still living under her roof and all, but if your son were my age and you wanted to do something drastic to his room, wouldn't you ask him?

I tried telling her that all I really wanted was her to simply ask me, just ASK me, even if it didn't really mean anything to her and it was just the customary thing for her. Explain to me why she really wanted it down. No, she didn't, she simply had to push her autocratic ideas across the table and insisted that I accept them. When I don't, I'm called difficult, arrogant, stupid and weak. What would you do if you were me? What would you do if you were her? I don't know, I think I need the input from someone older and wiser than I am and I'm hoping that I can get your thoughts on it because I'm really too tired to think about her. She's my mother and yet for 19 years, she's made me feel like nothing.

I think the harshest and most undeserved thing I said to her tonight was equating how she was doing about everything without asking me to the hypothetical scenario of me telling her I'm putting her in an old folk's home without asking her. I couldn't possibly justify that remark with my anger but unfortunately, I did say that. I was so furious and upset, I ended up leaving the dining room (where we were arguing) crying. She's caned me, she's tortured me emotionally, I don't know what she wants anymore."

I said the above about you in an email to someone I'm exchanging my thoughts with over the net, initially, we started off sharing our thoughts on press freedom and after tonight, I had to ask her what she would have done if she were you or me. Again, I stand by what I said earlier, that I would appreciate being asked. Notice that whenever I would be home later, I ALWAYS ask you if I can come home late? So why can't you ask me if it would be ok with the air con issue? Even if I had disagreed, you could have said something along the line of "but after taking your concerns into consideration, I still think the 2nd unit is a good idea. Moreover, it's only a temporary unit and can be dismantled."

You did nothing of that sort. And I still stand by my belief that you would hate it if someone did something drastic without asking you. I used to tell people that you're capable and really effective and efficient in the things you do, which is true, but I know better than to ever tell people that you're understanding, tactful, or sensitive. I'm your daughter and you don't know that I'm allergic/sensitive to certain shampoo/conditioner brands, that I'm prone to mosquito bites (more so than anyone I know to the extent that I can have a dozen bites while people around me have a couple), and not to mention that almost all of my close friends know how prone I am to mosquito bites, and you don't. You don't notice that I only open the bathroom window when I'm using it because I have a phobia of lizards so I don't open the window when I can't monitor it. I close the curtains even with the windows open to keep mosquitoes out. I turn off the air conditioner right before I sleep so I won't wake up the next morning with a severely blocked nose. You're my mother, I live under your roof and you hardly know anything about my habits and quirks.

The main reason why I'm even sending you this is for you to at least understand some of my quirks. I'm not perfect, I've never been that. I'm not your ideal child that tops the school for you. I'm not an overachiever. BUT I am 19, I'm almost an adult, so couldn't you at least treat me like one and ask me before you do anything drastic to my room? I'm not asking you to turn into the world's best mother, I'm just asking you to treat me with a little more respect so I can try treating you with more respect. You're my mother, and nothing is going to change that, the same thing applies, you can NEVER change the fact that I'm your daughter, it's in the genes, there's no running away from it.


Your Daughter (whether you like it or not)
Lee Su Wen Phoebe