Chronicles of the Neurotic Worrywart: Solitude..Someday, maybe Someday

Lyrics to the song, Someday. Guess you could look at it as, we're gonna get there (the end of JC life and the A Levels) someday

Of course, I'm just hoping that when I do get there, I actually like it. 2 months, 8 days till the end. Suddenly, it all seems so short. Prelims has been horrible. The papers are hard (that's why they're called Prelims, I guess). 2 more subjects before my core subjects are done for, then it's time to study for my S Papers. People who are S paper candidates are pretty pathetic, not only do we have to sudy more, and end up taking more tests, our exam periods are also a lot longer than others. I end 4 days after people taking my core subjects combination. 4 days. Ouch.

Sigh, 2 more papers and my brain is suffering from fatigue. Sometimes I wish that someone would stop to check on me (in a non-annoying manner). But I guess when others assume that you're at the top of the helm, it gets lonely. THe prefect's camp of 2002; I think the instructor once said "the higher you go, the lonelier you become". Sad, but true fact of life. Everyone's so caught up in their own misery and think that since you're so good, you're above them when it comes to troubles, but perhaps, just perhaps, those at the top at more miserable that most people in the middle layer?

Right from the start, in my school life, I've always been above average, always managing to rise to the occasion and well, do me justice. Primary school, granted I was in a kampung pri school, but I was top of my game (at least in class), and so I moved onto something higher tier, a more prestigious secondary school. Somehow, there, I managed to stay in the top, got into what was arguably the best class (and nerdiest according to other students) where I slipped to below average for the first time. I found it ok, since it was nice not to be top for once, but again, it wasn't exactly wonderful bringing up the rear end of the class (oh yeah, I spent 2 years doing that lol). Eventually, I did well enough and landed myself in a more stressful environment, a top 5 junior college. Just "GREAT". Btw, at the O Levels, I was still bringing up the rear, my entire class had L1R5 aggregates of below 10, I scored a 9. SO here I am, TJC, a junior college that's probably barely hanging onto her 5th rank spot. Surprised me yet again, as my L1R5 was probably above the class average and here I am, doing better than most other pupils, some of who came in as 6 pointers. Yup, it's sad how everytime I move onto a supposedly more cut throat and competitive environment, I thrive and bring my game up a notch. You probably don't see the sadness in it, but I do. It gets mentally tiring. It gets so mentally tiring you wish you weren't alive. I wonder what's my academic limit, it seems that it keeps getting pushed further. Is it me? Growth? Competition? I have no idea. But I DO KNOW THAT I'M TIRED. If I could halt, stop, and take a breather, I'd probably be happier. Ms Teo once wrote for me "take some time out to smell the flowers". The problem with me? I can't see any bloody flowers. If I could, I'd be so tempted to try. I just don't see the "flowers". Think that it's great to be the top few in class? Think again. You get the meanest things being said about you behind your back, you're under constant pressure to stay at the top, you work yourself to death. Sometimes things can so painful, so painful to put up with, I want to quit school, sit in a corner and cry my pathetic eyes out. No one seems to comprehend this, that I'm consistently sad. I might appear fine/tired to you, but deep down inside, I'm sad. I probably don't even remember how being truly happy feels like. The mental fatigue gets to me, more and more, with each passing day. If I could learn one thing, I'd probably want to learn how to be happy, or maybe how to be satisfied. Lol, I keep telling people, "sometimes, doing your best just isn't enough". It's always been like that for me, how do others tell themselves that and actually preach it?

I guess in the world, there will always be people who are marginalised. The poor, the disabled, the intellectually challenged, the unemployed and strangely, the over-performers. It's strange how the girl who had problems with the multiplication table in kindergarten, couldn't understand her subjects for nuts and would come home consistently with Cs and Ds in everything would one day grow up into something no one ever expected her to be. She grew up to forget how to smile and laugh, not knowing what being happy meant, thinking that anything below an A was undesirable and deserved punishment. She grew up, unable to relate to people, disliked and misunderstood by many. She grew up to become someone who has to consistently hide under a mask to prevent others from realising how fragile, insecure and lonely she really is. She grew up to be me. *Saying that makes me wanna cry lol*. I wonder if I could replay my childhood, would I have done anything differently, and would it have led to a different, and maybe better, outcome? That, I guess, I will never know.

Gotta go, gotta get back to studying (my heart grows heavy at that thought). Nearing the end of my self-imposed hiatus, although I already broke it.

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