The end of my misery. The end of all that nervousness. Jubilation. Joy. Relief.
Words can't express how I'm feeling right now. For the first time, I'm overjoyed with my results. For the first time at a national exam that is.
I remember leaving the school hall in primary school disappointed I missed entering the Special Stream by 5 points (I had 245 points). I remember leaving secondary school regretting not working harder, leaving the school with 9 points instead of the perfect 6 when I had 8 distinctions. This time, I left the school hall triumphant. I left with 5 distinctions, out of a possible 5, after making the call to sacrifice Chinese (I had a B). I left with 5 As, when I expected 2.
Last night, I was so nervous I made myself sick. The full works. Stomachache, headaches, butterflies in my tummy, crazy thoughts, tears. Everything. This is the only exam in Singapore for the 12000++ junior college students in Singapore that can make or break you. It is the one slip of paper that determines if you enter university, if you get a scholarship, if you get into the course you want. The stakes are high, too high in fact.
I dreamt I failed 2 subjects, I dreamt the look of disappointment on my tutors' face when they saw me again. I dreamt not getting a result slip. Nightmares every night till the release of the results.
Now that I have the results slip safely in my hands, I am relieved to have done well. I may not have truly aced the exams, after all I did get a B for Chinese and an Ungraded for my Economics 'S' Paper (my biology 'S' paper managed to squeeze a Merit out!). But despite screwing up during the economics and chemistry papers, I came out with 4 As. As I was telling friend, even if I came out with 3As and a B for General Paper (GP), I'd be more than happy.
I wasn't ready with what I was about to get.
A1 for General Paper (almost unheard of in my college) A for Economics A for Chemistry A for Biology A for Mathematics Merit for Biology 'S' Paper
I remember accosting my ex-GP tutor when I saw him. When he finally said that I managed to meet his expectations, I knew it, I knew it was that elusive A1. Throughout my 2 years in college, I've always managed to sniff at that grade, but never get it. I remember him adding (a lot of ) pressure, by saying I "have to get that A1". Today, he further stressed me out, and made me so thankful I hit it, when he said "I knew right from that start that Phoebe's the one who has to get that A1". After he said that and congratulated me, a strange thing happened. He gave me a HALF HUG! I didn't hug him back, 'cause it's plain weird and inappropriate. One thing and only thing of the day I would want to forget. Lol.
Yinxue peered into the conference room and saw the board with the lists of students who had scored 3 or more distinctions, and saw my name on the list of students with 5 distinctions. From then on, I knew my results, even before they were officially out. Yes, I cheated. Of course, I didn't believe her, and ended up waiting in anxiety till I saw it for myself. Affirmation.
I am glad that Yinxue got 3As, 'cause that's the very least she deserved. I'm happy to see that Teresa and Eng Hooi did well. My closest friends in college since January 2004 did great. I did great. What else could I ask for?
Perhaps I could have asked that others I know did moderately well. I saw a few disappointed faces around. I saw some crying. A thousand "if onlys". A thousand unanswered questions. I don't even know how to face classmates who haven't performed as well as they wanted to. But I do wish them the best in choosing a course for university and getting it.
I do have people to thank for such stellar grades.
I have to thank 2 particular Biology tutors, Ms Ng Chen Kee and Ms Joyce Teo. To Ms Ng who made me enjoy bio so much, I don't think I would have done so well if I hadn't liked bio so much. To Ms Teo for teaching me, guiding me and putting up with me when I haven't kept my end of the bargain as biology rep. I have to thank Mrs Than, my economics tutor. For her patience, her confidence, her belief, for scolding me, for answering my queries, whether they be economics-related or not. I have to thank Mr Ho and Mrs Goh, my maths tutors for making sure I did well for math, although they never really seem to pay any attention to me (lol). To Ms Tay and Ms Fong, my chemistry tutors, for their constant nagging. To Ms Bliss Tan, who identified my potential in GP right from the start and putting me on a different track as other students. To Mr Tong, plain simply for his belief that it was all too possible for me to get an A1 in GP and for constantly stressing that fact to me.
Today a lot of my tutors were proud of me. Even my Chinese tutor, whom I didn't get an A for. She was proud of me, despite me hating her lessons (I hated that subject to begin with).
I have to thank YOU. For keeping me straight, and focused. For calming me down during the times I cried due to the stress. For being proud of me when I did well. For everything. =)
Now that I've gotten 4 As, my colleagues are expecting a treat from me (and other 4A students). Oh well... Lol.
I'm a 3rd year student in what is probably the largest autonomous university in Singapore majoring in a Science-related subject (well it sorta IS SCIENCE). I'm known to be introverted, sarcastic (at times), funny when I rant (which isn't a good thing lol) and somewhat of a loner. I miss LA and would move there in a heartbeat :(
